Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
