Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
