mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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