we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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