My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
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