She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
