Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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