If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
