Having a random hookup so left but love u
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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