I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
