im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
