whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize