I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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