So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
