I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
