Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
