CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize