why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
