Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
