I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
