We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
