Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize