Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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