My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Green mimosas i think yes
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
