i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Randomize
