Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I just gift wrapped bread.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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