btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
wow bdsm is so cute
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize