Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
