Im at strip club and am horny
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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