This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You are a genius and a whore.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
