using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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