what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I love you.
Bad choice
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
