Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
