Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
