Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
