My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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