I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
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