Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
