i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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