Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
