I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
