I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
