Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize