69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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