If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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