I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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