My Higher Power is John Stamos
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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