I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
