woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
