my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Randomize
