When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
it's like iHOP with fire
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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