there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
