Can i not drive my cunt home
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
