She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
