I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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