When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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