I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
