I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
