The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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