i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
