call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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